Jackson was 5 months old on Saturday! I can’t believe that 5 months has gone so fast and that I have only blogged once since he came home!
The last few months have been a whirlwind. First Jackson arrived and so we were adjusting to being new parents and then I changed jobs which was another adjustment. We had the holidays and all the chaos that those bring plus right before Christmas my grandma passed away. That was a very difficult time for me and I still miss her every day. I think because of all the grief and loss I have been through in the last couple of years, it brought it all to the surface again and I felt so broken. Then right after Christmas, my house flooded and then in the same week my pastor and the youth pastor at my church (where I also work) resigned and moved away.
I have spent many days in the last few months feeling like I just was just trying to catch my breath. Like I was standing in the waves and every time I managed to stand back up I got hit by another wave. Now not all those things were bad things though many were. It was more that it was all happening at the same time.
I was chatting to my husband the other day and he was saying how I just didn’t seem like myself and I realized that I needed to start blogging again. During my time of grief, it was an outlet for me to express how I was feeling and process some of what was going on…and the funny thing is I hate journalling! When I sit down to journal it just doesn’t happen but somehow blogging almost seems like a conversation and so the extrovert in me finds it a lot easier to process this way. I think somehow it made me feel less alone. That somehow even though this was something only I could walk through, I had people walking with me, praying for me and encouraging me along the way.
Now as I have thought about the last few months it has definitely been a seen of transition. Transitioning from being a couple to a family again, from working one job to working another one, from living in a house that was reasonably organized to living in a house with no insulation or flooring! It was also a transition to get used to my grandma not being around and that was a hard one. Still, now I think to myself sometimes that I should “call nana and tell her that” and then I realize I can’t.
I think that’s the hard thing with transition though whether it’s combined with grief or not because I think that most of us don’t really like change. Even if we like the new, exciting things I don’t think many of like the process of getting there.
The dictionary says that transition means “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another” and to be honest I think that means we are almost always in a state of transition. Hopefully, as a Christian, I am striving to be more like Jesus every day and that is going to mean that change and transformation have to happen in my life.
Transition is also a term that they use for the part of labor when you are getting close to the end when your baby will be born but also I’ve heard people say its also the part when you think you can’t take it anymore. I think that’s really interesting, right when you are about to get breakthrough is also the point when you want to give up.
I have certainly had many of those moments over that last few months; moments when I just wanted to give up. But what I’ve discovered is that perspective changes everything. Some days I would be so focused on the difficult parts of the changes that I couldn’t see all the amazing things too. The changes were stretching me and it was tiring and even painful at times. I was felt like saying I’m too tired, too busy, too sad to keep going and then I remembered God was still right there. Now that might sound silly because of course He was still there but it wasn’t about whether he had left me or not it was about whether I was listening to him or was my head so full of all the things that I couldn’t do that I couldn’t hear his voice.
So I decided to start changing my perspective and remember to listen to my Heavenly Father. In many areas, I have already seen that breakthrough and for the places that I haven’t, I am relying on him for the strength to get through the time of change and transition.
The other thing I’ve realized is that during a time of transition you need the right support. Whether you are a new parent, or you are starting a new job it’s always easier if there is someone who is a few steps ahead of you. I even found this with my grief journey. It helped to have people around me who knew how I was feeling but also knew that I would make it to the other side.
Finally, I’ve realized that it’s better to keep your “eye on the prize” rather than on where you are at this moment. So whether that’s remembering that one day your baby will sleep through the night, or one day your job will be easier or even that one day your pain and loss won’t hurt so much. Whatever it is your breakthrough will come and eventually be on the other side. Now I also don’t mean that you should always be focused on the future but more that you can have peace in the present knowing that it won’t always be this way.
So during this time of transition and the many more that are sure to come I reminding myself to spend time with my Heavenly Father and listen to his voice, to find the right support and to remember that the breakthrough will come!