As I sit here and reflect on the last few months. I am amazed at all that has happened. There has been hard times and good times and many questions along the way. After losing the twins we spent a lot of time reflecting and asking God what we should do next. Everything we had known and expected had fallen apart and we were left with just what we still knew to be true. Even through the heartache, we knew that God was good and this His plan for us was still the same. We asked Him what the word for the season was and we felt very clearly that he said the word for us was still Family. In the midst of losing such anticipated, loved and hoped for members of our family we felt like he was reminding us that he didn’t change and that his plans were still the same.
As we reflected on what that meant for us in the aftermath of losing the twins and in the new season we felt he was calling us into, we felt that he was calling us to a new place.
Now the new place was actually a call to return home, to return to where He had originally called many years before. But the call to return to this place was still full of uncertainty and questions. We had no idea whether we could find jobs or where we would live but even in that uncertainty we knew he was calling us there and we trusted that the pieces would fall into place.
During that season God gave us this scripture:
Psalm 107: 4 – 9
Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.
It was such a poignant word to us at that time as we both felt like we had been wandering around in the desert both literally but also in many other ways. The stark landscape and extreme temperatures meant that in many ways Arizona was a difficult place to live. When it’s 120 degrees you wonder whatever made people settle here! Now Phoenix has certainly been a place of blessing for us and we are thankful for all the investment we have received here. It is here in the desert that God restored and redeemed our marriage and provided for us again & again. But it is here that we also experienced the hardest time in our lives.
Losing our twins definitely brought me through my own personal desert experience. With my mind full of questions and confusion I often felt that I was wandering in a desert wasteland. But even through that experience, I learned many things and my relationship with the Father is deeper than ever before.
Through the desert I discovered that he never left me, even when I felt like everything had fallen apart he held me and provided for my every need. When I felt like I had nothing left I clung to Him and His unfailing love and he brought me through.
Secondly, I learned that the desert isn’t the end of the road. Even though at times it felt like I would never get through the grief and loss- I cried out to the Lord. I cried out to Him in my pain and my grief and my confusion and He heard my cry. Even as I wept He already knew the plan He had to redeem and restore all that we had lost and calling us back to Pawleys Island was just the first part of that plan.
As we began to pack up our stuff in Phoenix and prepare for the new season I knew in my heart that somehow everything we had hoped for and dreamed about would finally come to fruition. Now I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen but I knew it would and being the loving Heavenly Father that He is, He was true to His promises. He provided me with a job that I love and incredible people to work with. He provided my husband with a job that fits him perfectly and feels like such a gift. He provided us with a home that is three doors down from where my sister lives, is walking distance to my husband’s job and 5 minutes from the beach. We never in our wildest dreams thought we could own a home in a place like this. He has exceeded our expectations at every point along the way.
Then the second to last day before we left He provided us with the ultimate gift and the thing we had prayed for, cried over and spent thousands of dollars trying to achieve. Literally 48 hours before we left Phoenix I found out I was pregnant. The thing that doctors had told me would never happen, had happened and with no medical intervention at all. I remember looking at the pregnancy test in shock and awe. Half of me wanted to scream and shout and tell everyone I knew but the other half of me still remembered the pain that came after the last time and I was so afraid to let myself believe it was true. Was I finally going to have what I had always dreamed of? Would I really be able to hold this baby in my arms and watch it grow up?
The next few months were filled with many challenges including me being hospitalized with a blood clot just a week after we arrived in Pawleys Island. Each step of the way, at every doctor’s appointment and in every moment of doubt I had to remind myself that this child was a gift from God and that I had to trust him with this child every day, no matter what.
Everything in me wanted to hold on to this baby with all that I had but in those moments my loving Heavenly Father would whisper gently to me – “Open up your hands, trust me with this child.” Even though he never promised me that everything would be okay and that this baby would make it to full term, I knew that this baby was safer in His hands and it ever would be in mine. So day by day I learned to trust Him again.
And even now that I am through the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage is significantly lower I still remind myself to give this child to him daily and trust that He will take care of it.
Because one thing I know is that “The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it”. Not me, He will do it and no matter how hard I try I will never be able to create a life for myself better than the one He has planned.