Have you ever felt stuck? Stuck between seasons of your life… maybe between being single and being married, maybe between jobs. There have been a few times in my life I have felt like this, it’s like I’m in a holding pattern, just waiting for the opportunity to land. We are in one of those seasons right now, my husband is looking for a job and is struggling to find one. I recently quit my job and feel like I’m being called into ministry but we are still in the process of working out how that all works.
We love being in Phoenix and believe we are supposed to be here for the next couple of years but with the lack of job and the lack of clarity, it’s hard to see how it will work out. We have moved so many times since we got married and would love to feel settled for a while. We know that we probably won’t be here in Phoenix forever but would love to have a season where we could just put some roots down and move into the next season of ours lives. As we have waited we have started to consider our options and question what we think we are called to. We can’t see the path ahead and therefore we are starting to guess what it might look like and start thinking of other possible options. I don’t think that expanding the search and considering other possibilities is a bad thing but it can become a slippery slope to trying to take back control… especially for a control freak like me! When I can’t see the outcome or I am unsure that the outcome is going to be something I like then I start to take back control of my life. I slowly start to trust my heavenly Father less and start to doubt that he knows what he is doing.
I was listening to a song by Casting Crowns today called “Somewhere in the middle”. The lyrics are below
Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle
As I reflected on the lyrics I was challenged by my own desire for control. Its so easy to get stuck in a place between my faith and my plans. To say that I surrender my life to him but then slowly take back control. I get impatient and want Him to do something faster. But he has something to teach me in the process and if I got there my way and in my time I would miss out on all He has for me on the journey. I tell myself that my lack of trust and patience is just me being practical and responsible but most of the time that’s just an excuse to make me feel better about it. I sing songs on Sunday that say “I surrender all” and tell God that he can have it all but how often do I really live that way.
I am so used to getting things done and just “doing” life that’s it hard for me to listen. I get so busy that I forget to stop and hear His voice. If I’m not listening then I’m not in a place of surrender. If I’m going to learn to trust Him in the big things then I have to learn to trust him in the details of my life, in the day to day ways he challenges and stretches me. When I hold on to my life, my pride, my plan, and my perspective then I don’t allow room for Him to move. I have to learn to surrender these things and to listen and trust Him so that when he tells me a word for a friend I share it so that I stop and pray for that person I know who is sick, to detour from my schedule and feed that homeless person. That when he prompts me to get up early I don’t make excuses but instead, I do it because He desires for me to spend time with Him at the beginning of the day. What I am discovering is that as I slowly give the pieces of my life I will find it easier to surrender my whole life. I have to silence the voice that tells me I am being irresponsible or that my lack of control is reckless. That voice is the enemy and it will make me believe that the only way to be certain of anything, especially the future, is if I have control of it myself. But Jesus says
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it
Matthew 16: 24-25
He calls us to total surrender. That’s what the cross is, its death to my pride, my desires, my plan and my way of doing things and its painful but its the only way. Only when my hands are open and I no longer have control am I in a place of total surrender. The cross itself shows us this. Jesus opens his arms and surrendered his whole life to God and for what… He did it for us!
I don’t want to live somewhere in the middle, to say I surrender and then not really live that way. I want to surrender my whole life to him from my day to day life to the biggest dreams and desires of my hearts. Little by little I will learn to let go and live a life COMPLETELY surrendered to him. I will take up my cross daily and follow the one who choose to surrender it all for me.