This time last year I had no idea what the next few hours, days and weeks ahead would hold. I thought I was just recovering from a stomach bug but before I knew it I was being rushed to the ER and was told that our son would be delivered that day.
I had no idea the love I would feel for that tiny little person.
I had no idea how often I would have to fight for my life in the days ahead.
I had no idea that it would take all my strength to be wheeled to the NICU every day just to spend a few precious moments with our son.
I had no idea the moments we had would be cut so short.
I had no idea of the heart-wrenching pain I would feel as I held our son for the last time.
I had no idea how it would feel to stand in a little chapel surrounded by friends and family celebrating our son’s short life.
I had no idea what it would feel like to wake up day after day thinking it was all a bad dream and then realizing it was real over and over again.
I had idea how many waves of grief I would feel in the days, weeks and months ahead
BUT
I had no idea that my community would come around us like they did and stay by our side 24 hours a day.
I had no idea what it would feel like to have others stand for me and fight when I couldn’t.
I had no idea how many cards and flowers would be sent from all over the world.
I had no idea of the community I would find amongst the most courageous and strong mothers I had ever met, who knew what it was like to go through every day without their children.
I had no idea what a massive impact our son would have in his short life.
I had no idea that just 12 short months on I would be holding a brand new baby in my arms and what joy I would feel again.
I had no idea that eventually the clouds would begin to part and I would begin to see the sun again.
I had no idea what this journey would like.
And now a year on I still miss him every day and wish that I could hold him in my arms again. I wish he could meet his little brother and grow up beside him every day.
BUT
I am thankful for that he is happy and whole in the arms of Jesus.
I am thankful that I will see him again.
I am thankful that I was able to experience the true strength and love of a community surrounding me in grief.
I am so incredibly thankful for his little brother, Jackson who brings me so much joy every day and heals my heart in ways he will never understand.
I am thankful for the life of my son, Oli even as short as it was. Those 7 days mattered and they always will!
So today, Oli, I celebrate you and all that you were and still are to us! We will love you always and look forward to the day we will see you again.
Happy Birthday my precious boy!