I sit here in our nursery and look at the empty crib and the books on the shelf. I think of the child whose laughter will fill this room and of the joy of watching our child sleep and wake in that crib, of all the memories we will make here.
My sister and sister in law turned the nursery back into a guest room after Oli died. I was so thankful for that. I was so glad that I didn’t have to pack away all of his things and say goodbye all over again.
When we had completed our home study I decided to start decorating the room like a nursery again. I moved the bed out and put the crib up. I got a bookshelf and started filling it. I decided that I would do a little something, create something or decorate an area of the nursery each week.
Unlike a pregnancy, I have no lead up this time or framework on how long this will take. So for me being able to engage in the process by creating and decorating and dreaming is my own way of making a place for our child in our home and getting to find joy in the journey. As I have done these things it’s also like I am making a place in my heart for this child. When I was pregnant it was like our babies had a place in my heart from the moment I saw that blue line. They were eternally connected to me and I think that’s why it was so hard to let them go.
But this journey is different there is no blue line or week-by-week progression. There is no app to tell me what to do each week so instead, I have to make my own journey. I try to daily go in the nursery and turn the lamp on and pray for our child. Although I can’t talk to him/her or sing to them like I did to Oli I can find a way to connect with the process and make a place for them in my heart and our home.
This adoption process is certainly an emotional rollercoaster. Nearly every week we apply for a new case and hope for the best. We hand in our papers and pray and hope each time and so far every time we’ve been disappointed. There are days when its so hard to find the courage again to apply for another case knowing full well we could be disappointed but also knowing this time it could be “our” child.
One day we will apply and we will get the call that we have been chosen. “Chosen” is an unusual word because it basically means to be preferred. It means that a birthmother somewhere has decided that she would prefer us to care for her child rather than anyone else.
I don’t get a chance to sit down with these birthmothers and convince them that I would be the best mother for their child. I don’t get to show her the nursery and explain that I have prayed for this child every day. I don’t get to do any of those things so all I can do is wait.
The word wait in the Bible has many meanings including to hope and to expect. For example in Isaiah 40:31 it says
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.”
The entire English phrase “Those who wait upon” (or “Those who wait for”) is translated from one word:vekovye (וְקֹויֵ֤). This word finds its root in Hebrew qavah.
If you look up the Strong’s entry for this word, we see this:
1. to wait, look for, hope, expect
a. (Qal) waiting (participle)
b. (Piel)
i. to wait or look eagerly for
ii. to lie in wait for
iii. to wait for, linger for
In Old Testament Hebrew thought, to wait was an active phrase, not a passive one. To wait on something was not to sit around and hope it will happen to you, but to actively pursue – a bit like a waiter presenting the options on a menu.
One of my favorite songs has a line in that says “You are working in our waiting” and this is what I hold onto every day. I hold to the fact that me praying for each of these children changes something. That somehow me interceding on their behalf alters the path that their life could have taken. That even if this child isn’t our child they can still have incredible parents who know God and will love this child more than anything and that somehow this will bring breakthrough and redemption to the lives of all involved. I pray that each one of them will come to God as their Heavenly Father. For me, it’s my way to be an active participant in the waiting.
I think God called me to this journey not only because He wants to redeem and restore all I have lost but because he wants to teach me how to wait well and so that I can pray for each of these children. We have applied for 10 cases so far and every day I think and pray for each of those children. I have their names written down in my journal and I know that God knows each one of them.
I’m choosing to trust and believe that He is “working in our waiting”. That he has a bigger plan than me or my family and that it’s all working together for his bigger or better plan. I already love this child and have hopes and dreams for them. They are already ours and have been ordained by God to be in our family. God knew before the beginning of time that this child would be our child.
I believe that one day we will get “the call” and we will bring home our child- what an amazing day that will be! But while I wait, I will pray, and while I pray I will think of each of the children God has chosen for us to cross paths with and for our little one wherever you may be.