As I sit surrounded by my family this Thanksgiving, I’m reflecting on all that has happened since last year. This time last year we had just had our first failed fertility treatment and were anticipating trying again in just a couple of days. I was disappointed but hopeful.
If someone had told me then all that would happen in the next 12 months, I probably wouldn’t have believed them and I would have certainly never thought I would have survived it. Losing 3 children in less than a year would have seemed impossible to live through. But I’m still here, breathing, surviving, making it through one day at a time. I’m constantly amazed at how much capacity the heart has to love and to lose and then continue beating.
One thing I have learned though in the last year is about the power of thankfulness. Now don’t get me wrong, there have been many times in the past year and especially the past few weeks that I haven’t felt very thankful. As I held my baby as he took his final breaths I was certainly not overwhelmed with gratitude, or when the doctor told me that they couldn’t find a heartbeat for the second time in one week. But as the overwhelming pain and shock subside, I realize how much I still have to be thankful for.
One of the reasons that I choose to be thankful is that it increases my hope and doesn’t allow the enemy to have a hold on me. The enemy has already stolen so much already that I’m not willing to give him any more. If I dwell on what I have lost and how it should have been, then it’s very hard to have hope and believe that God still has good things for me. Now that is not to say that I should ignore the pain and loss of those things but instead it is to acknowledge the pain, the grief, and the loss and then choose to be thankful in the midst of it. If I choose to be thankful, then I’m choosing to believe that this is not the end of my story and that my Heavenly Father is still faithful even in the valley. Thankfulness also doesn’t take away the pain of losing my children or make the grief any easier, but it does realign my heart to one who holds all the pieces. It helps me have an eternal perspective and remember that His promise was to wipe every tear and redeem every loss. So today, as families all around the country gather and remember what they are thankful for, I’m going to choose to be thankful again.
This year, and especially today, I am thankful for:
– My family and how they have carried me through the last few weeks. Who cared for me when I was sick, who held me as I cried, who planned the most beautiful memorial service for my precious son. For every little thing, they do for me every day to help me get through. I have no idea what I’d do without them.
– My nephew whose smile and laugh has brought me so much joy in the last few weeks. Who heals my heart in ways I will never fully understand.
– A community of friends that stood by us as we fought for Oli’s life, held us as we said goodbye, prayed for us, made meals, bought coffee, sent flowers, have given hugs and have wept with me.
– For a husband who prayerfully fought for our son every day of his short life and never left his side.
– Seeing those two little heartbeats of our twins and for the 10 weeks, I got to carry them.
– Oliver and the 26 weeks and 4 days I was pregnant with him. For every kick, for every scan, for the sound of his little heartbeat. I thankful that I got to meet him and hold him and tell him how much I loved him.. I am thankful for every hour I spent with him in the 7 days he was here.
– Most of all I am thankful that I have an eternal hope in a Heavenly Father who loves me and who sent his son to die for me. That even though I don’t always understand His ways, He still has good plans for me. And that He has my children with him in Heaven and that I will be reunited with them one day.